“Why the Mental Load Conversation Breaks Down – And How to Start It Differently”
When my son started going to daycare, I remember asking his dad to pack his bag the night before to ease some of the pressure from our already stressful mornings. While I was bathing our son, he called out to me, “What needs to go in his bag?”
I answered instinctively: “Hat, bottle, sippy cup, dummy, change of clothes.”
And then I felt it—that small but familiar irritation rising in my chest. I frowned but buried the frustration. I didn’t have the energy or the words to explain what was bothering me. After all, he was helping.
But the resentment kept growing over the following months. I found myself repeatedly asking, “How did I end up being the one who just knows all this stuff?” Well, because I was the one who had researched and enrolled him in daycare, liaised with the educators, read their policies, spoken to other parents etc. The bag-packing was just the tip of a much larger load.
When I spoke to my therapist about it, she gently suggested I share the feminist comic The Mental Load by Emma with my partner, as a way to open up a conversation.
When I did, he replied, “Yeah Gab. I get it. You don’t have to keep at me about it.”
The conversation was instantly shut down.
Every time I tried to raise a concern, I was met with defensiveness:
“I can’t do anything right.”
“You don’t appreciate what I do.”
And somehow, it always ended with me being the one apologising—for my tone, for being ‘ungrateful,’ for not communicating in the right way. We just couldn’t have this conversation in a way that made me feel seen or heard.
Full disclosure: I’m no longer married to the father of my child. I’m now in a loving relationship with a woman, and from the beginning, I knew that ongoing, open communication about emotional and household labour was essential to protecting our connection. I had experienced firsthand how unspoken resentment—especially around the mental load—can quietly erode even the most committed partnership.
Around that time, I came across the Gottman Method, a research-based framework that offers practical tools for building healthy relationships through emotional attunement, repair, and shared responsibility. I’ve since trained in the Gottman Method as a couples’ therapist, and the insights I’ve gained have been transformational (not just in my work) but in my life.
When I speak to other women, I continue to hear my same story:
“I try to explain the mental load, but every time I bring it up, he gets defensive.”
Most of the resources out there talk about what the mental load is and why it matters. But what’s often missing is how to actually talk about it in a way that doesn't derail the relationship.
That’s why I created a workbook-style guide.
Inside, you’ll find a practical, compassionate roadmap for starting the mental load conversation—with language that builds connection, tools to manage conflict when it arises, and space to reflect on what you really need.
You’re not asking for too much. You just need the right way in. I hope this helps.
